Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
