wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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