Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
