I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
