Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
