Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Randomize
