There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
