Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
