One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
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