There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
