She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
