make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
