david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
