my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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