I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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