matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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