yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
