The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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