This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
