It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
