dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
