I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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