She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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