so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize