We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Randomize
