This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
