smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
