Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
