Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
