I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Michael Bay diarrhea
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Randomize
