if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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