I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
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