not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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