Even the bartender felt bad for me
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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