After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
