does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
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