At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
