you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
