you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Randomize
