I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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