I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
