My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
