i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize