I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
