people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
