dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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