Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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