think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
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