He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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