hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
