There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize