you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Randomize
