I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize