12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
