Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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