so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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