if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
