i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
