I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
