Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
