It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
