the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
