An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
