In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Randomize