i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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