she woke up with a sticky ear
I could have mohawked her pubes.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
