I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
