Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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