sarcasm needs its own font
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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