first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Randomize
