in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize